I wish I could just stop being so angry. So frustrated. Some days I think I've lost my mind. Eve's murder blindsides me daily in the headlines, the commemorative t-shirts, the press releases. I can't stand to walk alone at night anymore. I'm so paranoid I can't stand myself. It's like I can't breathe. Reading the autopsy and the new evidence makes me relive her murder. I can't explain the feeling to anyone. Everyone seems to have gotten past this but I can't. When I drive past her house, walk past her old office, head to class and pass an old meeting spot where I'd run into her before... it's too much. The details of the autopsy are painful to read. Her last hours were terrifying... something a person as amazing as she was should never have had to experience in her worst nightmare. I can't stand it.
On top of that, I'm angry about mom. She's such an amazing person and she fought the world to get a good life against all the odds and once she accomplished a bit of happiness it was taken from her. Her disease frustrates me. Putting on a happy face all the time is getting more difficult. Thinking about the future is heart wrenching. I feel guilty constantly.
I'm angry that I am practically handicapped. The people my age are burden free... most of the people at UNC don't have a care in the world and are running around reckless. I would give anything just to be able to run again. And I can't even stand myself when I drown in self pity because mom doesn't and she's much worse off than I am. I feel like an old person, an invalid, unworthy.
My anger has been bottled up so badly I'm beginning to just pick fights with Will, even though he tries so hard to protect me and make me happy. I know I'm driving a wedge between us but I can't seem to make myself stop.
Volunteer and charity work, something I used to love, has become a chore now. I can't fix anything. I feel useless and wasteful. I feel like I have failed every test.

When the one thing you’re looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you're back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head’s wrapped around what’s around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you’re shivering cold
It’s the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on